once a day blog.

SO tony has been coming back to church and i have to bring him..and he asks me to hangout..all i want is for him to love God, not me. atleast not now. If for some reason he wnats us together itll happen but i know thats not his plan right now. i want him to keep coming and hearing about god..because he needs it, he doesnt need me…

my mom doesn’t care about me…I’ve felt sick and ive had problems for about 5 months now…i keep asking for an appointment for the docter but she doesnt even schedule one. Shes the person i talk to about everything , and i figured she would understand my health “issues” because shes been through some before. BUT NO, she laughs in my face every time i talk about it. I get scared. i have God always ofcourse, but im the kind of person who is afraid of alot of things. because of times where i felt sick in restaurants, i no longer eat out anymore. My parents go out while i stay at home. When i have tried to go in restaurants i shake and my heart beats because of anxiety. They think i make everything up, and make everything sound worse then it really is…but i wouldn’t be complaining if i wasnt worried about it. ..under my rib cage is swollen and at times hurts. i randomly have fevers and my back shoulder blades hurt too. I told my mom i was scared because i think that i might have to get my spleen removed and she laughed. she LAUGHED in my face. thank you so much for showing me what kind of mom i dont want to be one day. I will always atleast try to understand my kids, because i know everyone in life has different trials, and everyone always has that feeling that nobody understands. but im one of those people who actually try to make people feel better, listen, and give advice. Even when nobody ask’s me how i feel. My best-friend recently told me i hold things back from people, and its totally true. but the reason i do is because i dont want to open up to people who will laugh at me, or not even care. Why tell people things they dont even want to know? why tell people things when all they’re trying to do is get u to like them. Why tell people who arent even actually listening. I dont let people in because that way i wont get hurt, or even worse, embaressed. …idk if that even makes since…but im terrified of what could come from watever ive been going through.  I pray every day asking God to help, to heal, but i also pray his will be done. im not sure what his will holds for me in this situation, but i wanna have peace. i trust him, i do. At times, life gets in the way, and its a scary life..

still falling hard…for HIM..haha ironic his initials are h i m.

i honestly am falling for you ..but we wont be together. We r from two different worlds..

i realized im not ready to fall in love with you Joe..if ever

my thoughts are all jumlbed and i cant say anything right its ‘moody’ week. bahaha :P blah. its only monday. slobnaierbglERKGNLEKFVNIFV I CANT WAIT FOR THE WEEKEND AGAIN LOL

So today i had a 10 hour car drive home so i had ten hours to overthink. whic is bad becuse my brain is overloading and i cant stop it. i dont know how to explain ti, its so weird, i do it alot, its like i tihnk about everything at one time and everything had to come down to a conclsion right now. but i cant do that. i cant. it needs to let it be!